


I hate you, I love you

by sannidings



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: F/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-01
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-07-11 11:57:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7049692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sannidings/pseuds/sannidings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Songfic to the beautiful song from gnash "i hate you, I love you"</p>
            </blockquote>





	I hate you, I love you

**Author's Note:**

> So this song followed me for a while now and I HAD to write something for this. 
> 
> Here is the link for the Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsCmB0KQxbM
> 
> Have fun and if you like say hello on tumblr to ferkelnase.

_May 2015, Bedelia's Diary  
Feeling used is quite always the case when it comes to Hannibal. He used me for his act and the murder he did at our time in Italy. And all that just to save his sorry ass when he messed up his shit back home in Baltimore. And I was idiotic enough to come with him, because I thought he had no one else back then to support him except me at that point. And to be honest, my curiosity took a great lead also when I boarded the plane with him that morning. _

To write down everything that bothers me somehow was an idea my psychiatrist gave me. Yeah, I as a psychiatrist now need someone to talk to for myself. But it helps me a lot to talk to someone and I think I am on a good way by now.  
I also bought a new house near the beach on a dead end to be as far away from prying eyes as possible, to calm my nerves and to be far away from everyone that knew me before my "adventurous" trip to Europe with Hannibal. We have been here on the beach once, together, he and I. That's the only thing that makes me melancholic on some days, because I had thought we were...something. Back then. Wrong.  
I stride through my house looking for something to do when my eyes fall on the daily newspaper I get delivered to my door.  
It hit me like a ton of bricks when I see his face directly staring back at me from the cover of my paper. They captured him and brought him back to the US. To Baltimore.  
His smirk sends something off inside of me that I am not able to completely identify at the moment. It feels like a rush of hot pounding blood through my veins, but at the same time like an ice cold shower pouring down on me. My fingertips brush over his face and a sob makes his way through my body and escapes through my lips. I can taste blood and realise I have bitten my bottom lip with my front teeth. Panic attack.  
"Breath, Bedelia" is all I can tell myself over and over again as I try to calm myself down again.  
Taking deep breaths in and out I grab the newspaper with shaking fingers. His face looks beaten, worn out and tired, he is wearing the prison suit and his hands are bound in front of him.  
And on his right hand, on his ring finger there is something that catches my eye. Our wedding band. To be honest, it was a fake marriage but something stirs in me as I see him still wearing it. And still be allowed wearing it.  
I know I shouldn't feel this way but "I'm still missing you," I whisper to the picture of him in my hand.  
The worst part of this realisation is that I don’t WANT to feel this way and I can't see the end of this. 

My mind goes to our last day together like on autopilot. And I think “I just wanna feel your kiss against my lips again,” I speak into the room even if no one is there. Tears of sorrow form in my eyes, something I haven’t shed in a very long time and now “All this time is passing by but I still can't seem to tell you why it hurts me every time I see you. I just realise how much I need you. “

Sobs wrecked her body as she tore the paper apart. She ripped it again and again until there just were a few readable pieces left. "I hate you", she was sobbing again and again until she was tired and worn out.  
Bedelia sat on her knees on her floor the ripped newspaper strewn all around her. Her breathing became regular again as she calmed down from her outburst.  
Merely audible she whispered "I love you... and I hate that I love you. And I don't want to and I can't put nobody else above you"  
Tears streamed down her face as she sat on the cold wooden ground until the dark of the night had enveloped her in its blanket.  
She really hated him deep down in her heart but sometimes hate and love were blurring lines. So when she told herself, she hated him, she loved him but hated that she wants him really bad to be back in her life.  
"And what are you doing?" She asked the torn piece of paper in front of her, "You want HIM, you need HIM and I'll never be HIM...." On a small piece of the torn Newspaper there was the face of the man she meant, just a small piece but all her anger and frustration pouring into it, she smashed her fist on Will Grahams face. 

Hannibal was standing in his cell with his bookshelves from top to bottom filled to the brim with books, his desk in front of him and all his other privileges that he earned himself for good behaviour. The small metal bed was mostly unoccupied, and the sheets were neat. Sleep didn't come easy for him nowadays so he mostly slept on the chair of his desk.  
Hannibal was standing at his desk, thought of old days twirling in his head.  
He was staring at a drawing on his desk he recently did. One of many he had done over the last month he had been in prison.  
It always contained the same image, an image that had burned itself into his mind, something he wasn't able to forget, even if he wanted to. 

His fingers trailed over the face of the woman his mind was occupied with, he didn't dare touching the painting any more than necessary, afraid to harm he image and destroy the delicate image of her beauty. Recently he started talking to the reflection of her he began to see again. She appeared in front of him in his cell, with her smile and her beautiful blonde hair falling in waves on her shoulder.  
She sat next to him at his desk when he worked or when he read something and she posed for him when he wanted to draw her. But he knew she was just a picture of his imagination, nothing could compare to his beautiful Bedelia.  
He sighed as his fingers brushed the thick paper his pencil drawing was on.  
"I miss you when I can't sleep," he whispered to the face in front of him. "Or right after coffee, or when I can't eat." His eating habits had had a drastic change since his imprisonment. When he had dined like a god before he now refused to eat the meals that were served to him.  
It was mostly disgusting mushed food he simply refused to eat. He became thin and weak and more often he drifted into his memory palace where she already was waiting for him. 

Hannibal sighed deeply while looking at her next to him. He imagined them both on their way to the beach, like once when they visited this small and secluded place on the shore. He missed her in his front seat and sometimes he still got the feeling he had sand in his sweater, from a night they both don't remember because they had too much wine and then they fucked around and got attached to one another.  
Thinking about that Hannibal was very unsure what was true nowadays and what was or what happened just in his head. He wondered if she missed him like he missed her. He somehow tried to get in contact with her real self after his imprisonment, he often asked for her address but was always declined the information where she lives now. Somehow he was happy about that. Because even if he knew he wants her back in his live again, he isn’t so sure about the monster in him. If it wants her back too.  
She always told him they were nothing, not even friends, not colleagues for sure and not a couple. 

That changed soon, at least the friend’s thing. But friends can break your hearts too, and he had to learn the hard way. He once asked her, what she would do “If I pull a you on you, you wouldn’t like that shit” that was the night she told him that he had to let go of Will Graham, that he was not his pet and not his experiment even if she was the one who kept stirring his mind in directions she wanted it to go.  
He put his reel out to get her back in, but she never mind that shit and even after that he thought he would type a text but he never mind that shit because he was the one to get these feelings.  
He often caught her keeping it on the low, because even when they decided to be-come a “thing” and she was in love with him, her friends didn’t know.  
She was subtle with her approach to him, seduced him more often than not and one time, post coital, when they were laying arm in arm he told her that, if she wanted him, she just should say so.  
She laughed at this, placed a soft kiss on his lips and told him:” And if I were you I would never let me go.”

As her phone ringed in the middle of the night just a few month after she saw the article of his imprisonment she was still wide awake on the back porch of her house. There was a storm coming and she loved to watch the sea when it neared, when the waves crashed against the shore and she would be cosy, cuddle in a blanket in her rocking chair.  
She ignored the shrill ringing that echoed through the house, because she still knows what they want to tell her. Bedelia could feel Hannibal’s presence before he even made his approach.  
“How did you find me?” she asks him with a small smile on her lips. She wasn’t sure why she was smiling and tried to keep cool again as he stepped out of the shadows of her porch.  
Hannibal came to the chair next to hers and sat down without invitation. His eyes stayed on the sea as well as hers as he grabbed her hand that was on her lap and brought it to his lips. He kissed her hand softly and only then his eyes found hers, and he noticed they were as dark as the ocean that lies in front of them.  
She kept her cool, but the intensity of her eyes on him told him she was a little bit afraid of what would come next.  
“I don’t mean no harm,” he told her to calm her down and then squeezed her hand with his. He just wanted her on his arm.  
He was still wearing his wedding band she noticed. As well as she still was wearing hers. 

“You know, I thought the wedding bells in Florence were just alarms to us, to me, and for a long time I had this caution tape around my heart. But the more I think back to that time I ask myself if you ever wondered what we could have been?”  
Bedelia let his words into her head, into her heart and she let them sink in quite a bit. She wasn’t sure what to answer, how to respond to him, and her head was going crazy for having him here at her side and also at the looming danger of his presence.  
So maybe it wasn’t the best idea to right away blurt out what the thought at all of this. She was hurt of all the Will Graham shit he put on her, even after she was the one coming with him at the end.  
“You once said you wouldn’t and you fucking did. You lied to me, even when you lied with me, get your fucking fix, Hannibal. Now my drinks and my feelings are a fucking mix, and you are here and…”  
Her voice broke at the raw emotions that were set free once she began speaking of her feelings towards him. Bedelia had missed him a lot since her departure from Florence, and she knew she always missed people she shouldn’t be missing.  
His face lit up with a small smile, and again he brought her hand to his lips and kissed each of her knuckles.  
“I had to burn some bridges and that’s just to create some distance to certain people. And now I know I can control my thoughts and I have stopped reminiscing. I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings. And even when love and trust had been gone once I guess this is moving on, and I want to go on. With you and only you Bedelia.” 

Their eyes met over their hands and Bedelia held her breath, just to process what he had just said.  
Hannibal smiled warmly at her and she released a sob of pure joy. He just told her everything she ever wanted to hear and that it is now in fingers reach for her, all her desires, all her dreams, all her feelings and all her emotions flashed through her head just that moment.  
Bedelia was on her feet in the blink of an eye, the blanket that was wrapped around her tumbled to the floor. Their hands still joined she straddled him on his chair, and let him pull her close to his chest.  
She could smell him, his scent, the scent of the one she loves, invading her nose, his heartbeat at her chest and his hands that wrapped around her like he wanted to protect her from the world and never let anyone harm her again. Her hungry lips found his immediately and without hesitation her tongue began to explore his mouth, and all the old feelings she had for him were back in an instant.  
His hands ran up and down her back while she enjoyed him being so close to her. Her small frame was covered in an oversize blue knitted sweater and after he took a closer look to it he recognised it as one of his. A deep chuckle let his chest rumble and she looked up and broke the kiss to see what amused him that much that his laugh was audible.  
Hannibal tucked slightly on the sweater she was wearing. “I want that back,” he told her while he tried to hold on to a serious expression. But his first chuckle had already betrayed him and she didn’t buy any of his words.  
“Maybe I can take it off for you... inside?” she offered and was surprised at his sudden reaction. Without any further hesitation he stood up while she sat on his lap. To get more balance he scooped her up a little more and Bedelia crossed her feet at his back to steady herself.  
Hannibal pushed Bedelia against the wall next to the back door to have one hand free to get inside. “I hate you,” she breathed as he roughly placed her on the wall, her lips again on his as he fumbled with the doorknob to get inside the house. “I love you,” he told her when the door swung open and they entered the dark house together. “Mhh, maybe I don’t hate you, maybe I just hate that I love you,” she smiled against his mouth as she showed him the direction to the stairs that would lead them to the bedroom. 

They lay in bed sleeping peacefully as Will made his way silently inside her house and after searching all the rooms on the first floor he made his way upstairs. The FBI had tried to call and warn her a dozen times this night that Hannibal had made his way out of prison. Not one of the calls had been answered so they thought it would be best to send someone to look out for her. Since Hannibal’s obsession with her was evident in his cell, he most likely would look for her when he broke out. Will looked through the first rooms on that floor until he reached the bedroom, where sprawled on the crisp white sheets Bedelia and Hannibal were lying, sleeping. They were both naked, just covered with a thin bed sheet and Wills face turned a bit red in embarrassment as he tore his gaze away from them. Will leaned against the door frame, the wood squeaking under the sudden weight. Hannibal’s eyes fluttered open, his first gaze travelled over to Bedelia, smiling when he noticed she was still there in his arms. He pulled her even closer to his chest and closed his eyes again. 

Wills POV:  
All alone I watch you watch her, like she's the only girl you've ever seen.  
You don't care you never did, and now you don't give a damn about me.  
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her, like she's the only thing you've ever seen.  
How is it you never notice, that you are slowly killing me?

I make my way back downstairs, my work here is done. He will be captured sooner or later, maybe with her by his side, maybe without her. Maybe she will literally end on his table before someone comes for her rescue.  
I know when I have lost, and this is clearly her victory.


End file.
